Ditching Toxic Relationships

Hello, everyone, and welcome to episode 7 of the Pretty Happy Podcast.

Thank you guys so much for tuning in today. So just a little life update... I am currently in New Mexico spending the holidays with my family. It's been so nice to be home, it is so cold here. I think today it was 55 degrees, which I know doesn't sound that sound bad, but after living in San Diego for almost four years, whenever it drops below 65. I'm freezing.

I had a pretty crazy week this week, and my heart is just overflowing with gratitude. I've obviously been busy with work and extremely busy working on the podcast. So I haven't been able to spend a lot of time focusing on networking for the podcast. Oddly enough, some pretty incredible opportunities have presented themselves. I had a few different media outlets reach out and ask to do interviews with me on the launch of the podcast. And I can't give all the details just yet, but I can't wait to share those with you soon. I also just want to say thank you so much for your support. I'm honestly taken back by the momentum that's been built up over the last few weeks. And that's all because of you guys. So thank you so much.

I am also super excited because I've had a few people reach out to me about being guests on the podcast, and I have some really fun things lined up for the new year. In fact, one person who reached out to me has over 200,000 Instagram followers, which is insane. I'm just beyond excited for that interview! So make sure you guys keep checking back in. I think that 2021 is going to be an incredible year and I am just so excited to see where this journey takes us.

So today we're going to be talking about toxic relationships. I don't really know why. But this topic has been on my heart and I felt very compelled to talk about toxic relationships this week. Maybe it's because we're heading into a new year, I'm not really sure. I think naturally we all kind of start to reflect on the past this time of year... but I hope that you're able to take away some meaningful and insightful information that you can get us going into this new year. There's just something about a new year that makes me want to shed old habits and bring in new ones. I think that setting boundaries and cutting out toxic people is one of the most empowering things we can do for ourselves.

I just want to say that this doesn't just apply to toxic relationships with significant others. This also applies to manipulative bosses, family members and friends. toxic relationships can appear in many different forms. I think it's important for us to be aware of these behavior patterns. I'm extremely passionate about this topic because when I found myself in a toxic relationship, it was one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. It was an extremely difficult season in my life for sure. I learned so much from it, I grew so much it, and taught me so much. It taught me what qualities are most important in a significant other. And I feel like now that I went through that, and I came out on the other end of it... I see it happening around me all the time. And not just with romantic partners, I see it happening in friendships as well. Every time I see it happening, I just want to grab that person, wrap my arms around them, look them in the eye and let them know it's going to be okay and that they deserve so much more.

I've been in the position before whether it's been with a friend or a family member or boyfriend, where the situation was just not good for my mental health. I knew that I needed to walk away but I struggled for the longest time to actually do it. I was clinging to a false hope because I wanted my relationship to work out so badly. I wanted it to work out so badly that I stayed in a situation that was tearing me up mentally. I knew the situation was unhealthy and looking back now I can see that it was almost like a slow killer. The unhealthy behavior patterns didn't just appear overnight, but before I knew it, they were everywhere. I was completely disconnected from myself. The reason why I wanted to talk about this today is because I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I hope that in sharing this If there's anyone who's listening who's going through the same thing, I hope you know that you're not alone and that you're not crazy for feeling the way that you're feeling. I also just want to point out these toxic behavior patterns so that we can all be aware of them heading into this new year.

The other reason why I wanted to talk about this is because we're in the midst of a pandemic. We're all navigating uncharted territory. And I think it's more important now than ever before to protect our energy. A lot of outside distractions are removed right now due to the restrictions set in place. So it's a little bit easier for us to focus and pay attention to the things and the people who either bring us joy, or suck our joy. And I just want to say this as well.,,, Everyone deserves to have healthy relationships. We all deserve to have healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationships.

So on today's episode, I'm going to briefly open up about my personal experience being in a toxic relationship, I'm going to share the signs of a toxic relationship, and most importantly, we're going to talk about setting healthy boundaries. So let's dive right in.

What does a toxic relationship look like? Any good relationship, whether it's a friendship or a significant other should first and foremost make you feel safe, every relationship is going to have its ups and downs. Of course, no relationship is perfect. But we should feel safe and secure in our relationships. And most importantly, we should feel happy. A toxic relationship, however, is completely dysfunctional. It'll drain you of your energy, your self esteem, there will be a lack of support, of course, there will be dishonesty manipulation, it will completely dismiss or diminish you of your self worth, and it will most likely bring out the absolute worst in you. I know that was the case for me.

Some other important signs will be what your friends and family think if you find yourself in a toxic relationship of any kind, your close friends and family are most likely not going to like this person. This was a very hard lesson for me to learn. In fact, I lost some really important friendships when I was in my toxic relationship. I think when you are the person in a toxic relationship, even though deep down, you might know that things aren't good. You still can't really see what other people are seeing. Your friends and family know you better than anyone else, they're going to be able to detect authenticity and your partner, they're going to be able to see behavior change in you, they're just going to see things that you can't. Of course, I know how hard that is, when your friends and your family do not like somebody that you care about. I also know when you are the person who is in this toxic relationship, it's really easy to become defensive. And I 100% get it, I've been there. But what I would encourage you to do if you find yourself in this situation is take a step back and ask yourself, what are these people seeing that you're not, because again, your friends and your family, they care about you, they love you, they just want to protect you. So you need to take a step back and just really think about what they're seeing that you're not seeing.

Now on the flip side to this having been on both sides of this situation, if you are a friend of someone who is in a toxic relationship, the best thing you can do for that person is just simply be there for them. They're going to wake up one day, and it may take a little longer than you want... but this is a lesson they have to learn on their own. I know this is not easy when this is happening to someone that you love deeply and that you care deeply about. But I promise you, your unconditional love is what they're going to remember the most. For me personally, my friends who said to me, Hey, I don't like this person, but I love you and I'm going to be here for you. I mean, I'm forever thankful to those people because when I finally did have the courage to walk away, I knew I had them... and in that moment, that was all I needed.

Now toxic relationships and toxic friendships can take many different forms. If you're wondering if your relationship is toxic, the most important thing you can do is pay attention to how you feel after spending time with that person. More times than not do they make you feel uplifted? supported? loved? happy? And like you mean as much them as they do to you? Do you care about each other equally? And I say more times than not because it's possible that this person sometimes makes you feel good, but is it on a regular basis?

We all have probably met a friend or have someone in our life that when we're around them, we just feel better. And not only do we feel better, but they inspire us to be better people. You should feel this way in all of your relationships. Your relationships aren't going to be perfect all the time, but they shouldn't leave you feeling sick and tired. Another thing to look out for is how this person talks about other people. For example, if someone says all their exes are crazy, that's something to pay attention to. There's obviously a lack of responsibility being taken on there end and some behavior patterns that you need to pay attention to. Another thing to look out for, and this goes for relationships and friendships is lying. And I'm actually not even talking about big lies. I mean, obviously, big lies are a big deal. But it's the small little lies that are so destructive. If you find that someone is constantly lying about little things, this is often a sign that the relationship or friendship is toxic.

Now, the biggest indication that you're in a toxic relationship, or you have a toxic friendship is this and this is from personal experience, is you realize that you don't like who you are, when you're with them, they bring out a side of you that you don't like... you do things that you normally wouldn't do when you're with them, and you know without a doubt that this person is not bringing out the best in you. This is a really hard realization, but pay attention to these things.

Now, I do really want to talk about setting healthy boundaries today, because I think this is something we can all work on. But I just want to say before we get into the boundaries part of this episode that if you are in a toxic relationship of any kind, I'm here for you and my heart goes out to you right now because I know what a difficult season that is. I promise you that things will be okay. It'll take time, but things eventually will be okay. Oddly enough, I'm extremely thankful for each and every one of my relationships I've ever been in, because they've all taught me so much. But the year that I was in this extremely toxic relationship, it was one of the most difficult, bizarre years of my life. If I were to tell you everything that happened in that year, you would be like, holy crap. Why didn't you leave? And honestly, I don't know the answer to that question. I knew for the longest time that I should leave, but for some reason I couldn't. And in fact, I didn't want to, I desperately wanted it to work out. And with each and every bad situation that we found ourselves in. I felt like it almost chipped away at my soul piece by piece. It was like, eventually, I just became a human shell and I was emotionally detached from everything. I specifically remember one day looking in the mirror, and I could see the sadness in my own eyes. And even then I didn't leave. I was ignoring all these signs that were telling me this wasn't the relationship for me... and there were a lot of signs, TRUST me. I had turned into a full on crazy person. I was doing things that were completely out of character for me, I made my fair share of mistakes as well and I acted in ways that I'm not proud of. There were many conversations had about us breaking up, but neither one of us could walk away until one day I finally did. And I wish that I could say that I had some like big moments that led me to making that decision. But I didn't. In fact, the day that I decided to leave, nothing happened, nothing bad happened. It was I was having major anxiety and then by the end of the day, I was like I can't live this way anymore. I can't live like this for one more day. And so the next morning, I left. And it was not an easy road after I wish that I could say that it was but it wasn't there was a lot of grieving and a lot of sorrow. But again, coming out of it on the other end, I am living proof that things will be okay. And I'm here to tell you today that you will be okay.

I do really want to talk about setting healthy boundaries. Because this is so important. And it's actually something that I've spent a lot of time studying this year. I've read quite a few books on setting healthy boundaries, and they've all been really meaningful. Setting your own personal boundaries and respecting those boundaries is so important. For me, personally, protecting my peace is my top priority because when my personal space is filled with clutter, and by clutter, I mean negativity and any kind of chaos, I become completely unbalanced. It starts showing in all areas of my life. In fact, a lot of the books that I've read and a lot of the articles that I read about setting healthy boundaries talks about how setting healthy boundaries can help reduce stress, anxiety and depression.

So, I'm going to share some tips for setting healthy boundaries... #1 would be to say no, when you don't want to do something or you know, you don't have time to do something. I think a lot of us struggle with over commitment because it stems from a place of having a giving heart but sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to say no. #2 would be to take space when you need it. If someone has said something or done something that has upset you or disrupted your peace, you're allowed to take time and reflect on how it's made you feel and how you want to respond. And in fact, I would encourage you to take that time and space. #3 would be to practice self awareness and I think that 2020 has provided an awesome opportunity for us all to practice self awareness. #4 This is SO important, would be to protect your time, protect your time with all of your heart, put meaning behind everything that you do. #5 would be seeking help. Therapy is incredible. And it's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I honestly wish that it was required that everyone went to therapy, because even just talking about what's going on your life in your life, whether it's going good or going bad, just getting it off, your chest feels so good. And my last tip for setting healthy boundaries, #6 would be to invest in yourself, start doing the things that make you feel like a happy, healthy human. And I promise you, it's going to bring so much joy into your life.

Okay, so now we've talked about the signs of a toxic relationship and setting healthy boundaries. So now what what do you do if you realize you're in a toxic relationship, or you have a toxic friendship? Well, I hate to say it, and this is just coming from personal experience. But more times than not someone who's both displaying toxic behavior is most likely not going to respond well when you confront them. I'm just saying this so that you're mentally prepared. You just need to know going into this conversation, that your intentions are pure, and that you are doing this to protect your own energy. And just so you know, you don't need to feel bad or guilty from breaking free from toxic people.

So here are a few ways to cut toxic people out of your life. The first would be to take space, distance yourself from this person as much as possible. Number two is to be assertive when you communicate with them. You don't need to give long explanations of why you're taking space or give long explanations of why you feel the way you feel. Just be short and straight to the point. And number three would be to remove them out of your life completely. And I know that this is not an easy decision to make. But if you come to this decision, I would definitely recommend blocking them on social media block their number if you need to. This may sound harsh, but this is about protecting yourself. This is about respecting yourself respecting your boundaries and not allowing negative behavior to hold space in your life. I've had to do this a few times. And it's honestly one of the best things you can do when you find yourself in a bad situation. It's not an easy thing to do by any means. But it's the best thing you can do to take care of your mental health, especially when you're seeking mental clarity.

I think we all have probably experienced toxic relationships in some way, shape, or form. I hope that in talking about this today, if you're experiencing this right now or if you've experienced it in the past, I hope you know that you're not alone. You're not crazy for feeling the way that you feel. I know there is a lot of guilt and grieving that takes place when any relationship comes to an end, but I'm here today to encourage you to break free, break free from those relationships that are draining the life and light out of you. I promise you it's going to be okay. You'll meet someone who adores you, you'll find friends who make you want to be a better person. And soon enough, you'll start to fall in love with all the unique things that make you you.

Thank you guys so much for tuning in today. Please don't forget to subscribe, rate review and share. Whenever you do, It helps bring new eyes new ears over to the pretty happy podcast. The official pretty happy podcast handle is @prettyhappypodcast.

I can't wait to talk to you guys again soon.

Until next time.

XOXO,

Ash